Finding balance (and avoiding more mental breakdowns)

This past Tuesday evening, I took (and passed!) my Neuro Module exam. WHEW. What a huge weight off my shoulders that was. This also marked approximately one month since the fall semester started, and I took a little time to reflect.

I mean, I was forced to reflect on what wasn't going well. Because I had a total meltdown the Saturday before my exam and desperately needed to do a little check-in with myself to get back on track.

As many of you know, I'm a distance education student. That means I am doing school "part time" (ha) while working part-time as well. I totally underestimated how challenging this was going to be. I started a job at a new hospital (still working as a dietitian) and the learning curve has been monstrous. Different charting, different processes and protocols, and a different level of learning. This hospital is a teaching hospital and that permeates even into the dietetics department. I wasn't prepared to get pimped as an RD, but here we are!

I was having imposter syndrome. Here I was, an experienced RD, feeling like a total newbie. And that was uncomfortable. I expressed this feeling to my manager during my one-month check-in, and she was so supportive. Normalized this feeling for me, expressed that she understood I'm both learning at work and learning with school and it's A LOT. Hearing her say that out loud was the most comforting thing. She got it.

Unfortunately, I wasn't in the clear after this. Neuro is a beast, ya'll, and thanks to work and preparing to go back to the university for a campus visit, I was feeling strapped for time and behind on my studies. So I tried to prioritize how I watched my lectures and somehow missed an assignment.

When I realized this, I just lost it. I'm talking big ol' tears and everything. Obviously I don't want to miss any assignments but in the big scheme of things, this wasn't the end of the world. I wasn't going to fail. But to me, it felt like "Exhibit A: I Can't Handle All This." And I felt like such a mess. So I stepped away from my computer, took a hot shower, and tried to get myself together.

I wish I could say that since then, I've been miraculously better. I haven't. But I am taking steps to find a balance, process and schedule that works for me. Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. If I don't take care of myself, I will burn out. 

Deep down I know this, but it's so easy to feel guilty about taking time away from studying. So when I made a draft schedule (see below), I knew I needed to include some time for relaxing, exercising, or hanging out with friends. Yes, this is going to be fluid and may need to move around, but it's important for me to see that there will be time to decompress and recharge my batteries. I've started hot yoga, I've ridden my bike to the coffee shop to study, and Milo and I try to go on 2-mile walks as often as we can. And those things feel so good.

2. I need to be better at saying "no" to friends and family. 

This one sucks. I'm a social butterfly and I know that being around people makes me happy. For example, a friend recently hosted a Top Chef inspired cooking competition for her birthday and it was literally the best thing ever. My heart and tummy were both so full. This stuff is so important to me. But when you have that and a dinner and then a pal wants to get drinks and you're trying to sneak in yoga once or twice... before I know it, I'm behind in my school work. So, I need time for fun, but it can't take away from my studies. Balance.

3. When my home/diet is messy, I feel more anxious. 

By the time my Neuro Module exam was done and I got back from my two-day campus visit, my house was a wreck. Studying papers and mail piled up on the dining table, a sink full of dishes, an empty fridge, and a dangerously low level of clean socks. I spent hours last night cleaning and sweeping and doing laundry and grabbing groceries, and even though I didn't get much studying done, I feel so much better. So, I knew this kind of stuff needed to be part of my weekly schedule. Staying on top of this stuff will keep my anxiety down.

4. Playing catch up is the worst, so that's going to require some sacrifice. 

Do I want to come home after a long, hard day at work and watch lectures. Absolutely not. I'm tired.  I want some tea and a walk with Milo and some couch time. But that just isn't going to work. I've learned that if I don't stay on top of my lectures, Saturday morning means TONS of catching up and I hate that feeling of being so far behind. My work schedule isn't exactly ideal for my studying, I'm realizing, but now I just have to make the best of it. And that means working all day, a long walk with Milo, and then buckling down to study. This is also why the cooking and meal prep needed to be part of my schedule -- then I'm not wasting time cooking when I need to just sit down and watch lectures.

5. No one has this totally figured out, and that's okay!

When I visited campus this week, I asked the campus students how they've been handling things. Even though they're not working, they're taking twice as many classes, which just blows my mind. And you know what? They feel a little lost and unbalanced, too. Making time for everything takes practice and some trial-and-error. We're all trying to find balance. I'm not alone, and I need to be patient with myself as I figure it out.


I ended up drafting a calendar for myself (what can I say, I'm a very visual person) so that I can stay on track with, well, everything that I'm juggling. This isn't set in stone, but I think it's going to be a good framework to keep me on track and help me find some important balance.

NOTE: No, the boxes aren't equivalent to the time spent on each thing! I wish I could say the amount of time I have for free time on Sundays is equivalent to the time spent studying. In reality, it's more like 8-10 hours studying, 2 hours for assignments, and 2 hours of free time. But you get the idea!